Left To Dry or To Fly

Finally, they terminated my job... I don't blame them, I would have done the same in such a situation. I never liked it in there. Maybe it's 'coz Civil Engineering has never been in my blood or coz I had a feeling that I don't belong in there. Why waste your time doing something you don't like?

Now I have got a new feeling... Like I am set free for the first time in my life... I am free as a bird , as a piece of paper (Mera jeevan kora khagas kora hi rahe gaya) as a piece of clothe hanging on a line out in the sun... I am not clipped, I am not pinned, neither am I spread on the floor with a heavy stone up on me. I AM FREE... But the sun is bright and harsh... it could drain me off... fade me... brittle me... but it's up to me whether to fly off or to lie in there... Winds are blowing... but none in my direction... After the results of some of the exams had come, makes me think whether the whole decision of being in b'lre was good or bad? IIFT results came, dint clear the cutoffs... SNAP came had a good score but in the end was never part of the competition... JMET came, cleared the cutoffs, still waiting for the shortlist... FMS results were out the dayb4 yestday, nowhere in the vicinity... still got two more to go... and CAT results to come... Its not that I ain't good with this stuff... If u compare my scores with the last years score, I would 've got atleast 5 calls by now... The standard of the paper haven't changed much also... But dont know why...

I am sure I wont be able to explain the enigma rite now... I ll 've to wait atleast two years to find the answer to the question. After that I could look back and say what I did was for the best or for the worst... But, something inside me says that it can't be all bad... after all i believed in my intuition ... Rite now, only thing I gotta believe is on the saying "A smooth sea seldom maketh a Great sailor"... Hope this episode makes me strong and bold enough to face other hails and storms in my future.

I know no one is out there reading this shit... but if u happen to read it Wish me good luck...

I don't want u to read this... If u know me then please don't read anymore... Its just because i can't take it anymore... today i feel like a 3 cm sapling with two leaves and a stem, looking for a ray of sunlight after a nuclear holocaust. waiting badly for a little light so that something positive could be synthesized within. I feel so lonely. like the whole world is against me. they don't want me to grow, they don't want to think o care about what i want. There was no one in the vicinity to pour some water of kindness. Everyone wanted me to be dead. They believe being dead is the best thing for me. I don't 've to fight for myself, I don't 've to wait for any sunshine or a drizzle to come my way, I don't 've to make myself grow in a way so that I get out of the shelter an wet myself in the rain. Finally I don't ve to LIVE.

Every person that i talked to today wanted me back in the shit hole. be DEAD an yet live. they want me to suffocate, choke, fill my lungs with the dark an black smoke so that they can see me HAPPY... Don't they see that if I am not happy being in that dungeon how the hell are they going to SEE ME HAPPY... I FEEL PATHETIC... I don't know if they are enjoying this part, I don't think they can conceal it that well either. Even people who doesn't even know what i want to be, find a hell of a pleasure suing me. I don't know... even the idea of comin home was a big mistake...

If u find me choked to death, pls don't look for any another motive... People around me want me dead...

Its just coz that i had read and heard about many ppl who had been in similar sit and that I believe that I 've some responsibility towards my being, I cant kill myself... But, if someone who can do that for me I would prefer that... being killed by a single stab with a knife is better than being choked by everyone else in the hall...